there was a crack in the planet

For me it started with a voice mail.  I was in between classes when the digitized version of my mom’s voice told me, “I need to go to the doctor’s office at 4:00. I’m afraid it’s going to be bad news and I want someone to go with me.  Can you come?  If you can’t that’s ok, I’ll probably be fine. . . .”

. . .

There’s a scene in the movie Spanglish where the character played by Tea Leoni tells her husband (played by Adam Sandler) she has been cheating on him and then starts into a rapid explanation of what she thinks her motivation was and how it began and on and on. 

(just discovered this video isn't viewable on my phone,

sorry if you're reading this post on a phone.)

The things going on in my head after listening to the voice mail weren’t at all the same as what was going on in the husband’s head in Spanglish. The effect of hearing that my mom was going to the doctor’s office and was clearly scared was pretty similar, “there was a crack in the planet.”  My whole existence changed, I can only imagine how it felt for my mom.  There would be more, smaller cracks to come, the first time we heard a doctor say the word, “cancer.”  Then another doctor said “non-hodgkins.”  And “bone-marrow biopsy.” 

But the real paradigm shift was something I should have known all along, my mom is mortal.  She is and always has been an amazing army of one when it comes to supporting me, my siblings, her siblings, her extended family, people in her ward, people she doesn't know. . . you get it.   All of a sudden she was as fragile and vulnerable as I am, which is to say, probably considerably tougher than most other people in the world, but still.  Cancer is scary even when it seems like it’s one of the more treatable kinds, it’s scary.  Especially when it’s your mom who’s got it.